Yesterday, I put the call out for ideas. I thought it would be fun to let my friends on BookLikes choose the topic of my first Flash Fiction Friday post. People responded awesomely. You’ll find their ideas at the bottom of this post. If I didn’t use your suggestions, no worries. There’s always next Friday.
Oh, and some of your suggestions are sprinkled throughout. I know there was one suggestion with four parts, so I had to chop it up to make it work.
by Edward Lorn
My name’s Tiger and I find things for people.
I’ve lived a strange life. When I was fifteen, a two-hundred-pound ape carcass crashed through the roof of my suburban home. Dad was pissed. Mom was indifferent.
The next week, my mother ran off with a robot cult because Christianity didn’t rotate her gears anymore. These cultists are the people who got the amusement park in town closed down because of how the animatronics were being treated.
I suppose that’s why I picked the career I did. Meaning, not much shocks me. So when Charlene called up asking me to find her flesh-eating corn cob, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.
This ain’t some dime-store pulp paperback. I ain’t going to bore you with how this dame walked in and begged me to take her case, because it didn’t happen like that.
Charlene called me, told me her story, and asked if I’d find her corn. I agreed.
Money’s money unless it’s funny.
As with most cases, I wound up at the local library. Librarian’s name is Gregor. He’s a cool cat, if a little weird. He likes to tell how he lost his virginity, you know, if you’re old enough to hear such a thing. It involves a goat, so you gotta have a strong stomach, too.
You’ve been to a library before. I ain’t going to tell you what it looks like.
I was back in the stacks, researching fleshing-eating starches, when I heard a rather manly scream followed by the low tick and hum of machinery. I tucked my research materials under my arm and made for the checkout desk.
Gregor was dead. He had a goat hanging half-in and half-out of his backside. I guess what comes around goes around.
I wasn’t shocked.
(Remember the ape that fell through my roof?)
I called the local PD and let them deal with it.
I don’t know why, but death makes me hungry. Seeing Gregor, all half-fulla goat like he was, gave me a hankering for Greek. I headed across town to Athena’s.
There ain’t much of shit I can eat these days, allergies being what they are. Athena’s is run by a beefy broad named Paula who knows what I can eat and fixes me up nicely whenever I drop by.
I laid my research materials on the bar as Paula slid a plate of lamb and cucumber in front of me.
You’ve seen a beefy broad with humungous boobs before. I ain’t gonna tell you what Paula looks like.
“Ut’s dat?” she asked, and scratched under one heavy breast.
“Technically, no. Flesh eating veg. Cannibal would mean they eat other veg.”
I ate in silence while Paula flipped through a scrapbook. She’d acquired amnesia after falling off a ladder the year before. She’d been reaching for a tub of yogurt in the cooler when she slipped, fell, and bashed her head on a shelf. The scrapbook was her way of remembering the past. I didn’t have the heart to tell her all the photos were stock, so, whenever she asked, I lied: “Sure, that looks like you.”
I read through my materials. Flesh-eating veg were a product of genetic experiments first conducted by Dr. Ralph King. Dr. King also went on to be leader of a cult. The same cult that owned the closed down amusement park in town. They’d won it in a court battle over animatronics’ rights.
VegLand was all the rage in the 1980s. Ride the Cucumber Coaster! Twirl on the Cauliflower Carts! Terrorize yourself on the Tobacco Train, sponsored by Marlboro.
Hey, money’s money unless it’s funny.
It was full dark by the time I parked in the weedy lot and got out.
Flashlight in hand, I squeezed through the rusty gate.
You’ve seen pictures of rundown carnivals at night. I ain’t going to tell you what VegLand looked like.
I found my mother on the carousel. She was spread-eagle atop one of the horses, pleasuring herself with a corn cob. At least that was what I thought was happening.
Truth of the matter was, Mom was dead. Had been for at least an hour. The corn cob had eaten most of her lady bits. The way her stomach was caved in, I’m guessing it had snacked on half her insides, too.
“Lovely, ain’t it?” Dr. King asked from the shadows. “My creation devouring my follower. Poetic, don’t you think.”
I’m a private dick, not a cop. The only weapon I own was limp in my shorts.
“I suppose this is where I monologue,” said Dr. King. “My robot cult was responsible for shooting down that plane full of apes when you were a kid. Your mother, of course, knew this. Seeing our cause as righteous, she joined.”
“Hold on, space cadet. What’s any of this have to do with anamatronics’ rights?”
“Those monkeys would have put our fellow animatronics out of jobs. They wanted to turn VegLand into a zoo! Even after we killed a great percentage of the animals on that plane, they still meant to buy more!”
“Why’d Gregor have to die?”
“I lost my library book. Didn’t want to pay the fine.”
“Fine. What about the corn? Why are you stealing your own invention?”
“Nobody stole anything, Tiger. Charlene works for us.”
You’ve seen a twist before. I ain’t going to tell you why this was one.
“Tell me, Tiger… are you allergic to corn, too?”
I am, but he didn’t need to know that.
Dr. King chuckled as he produced a small device and began pressing buttons. The fleshing-eating corn cob stopping eating my mother, flopped down from the horse, and came at me, end-over-end.
I punted it. Hard.
Dr. King got a mouthful.
His head snapped back as the cob first devoured his tongue and then worked its way down his throat.
You’ve seen a corny ending before. I ain’t going to tell you why this is one.
MC has severe food allergies, but has to travel and can’t find anything to eat amidst a huge selection of unknown foods. CHECK
And then it turns out some of the food might actually be eyeing the MC as something for it to eat!CHECK
A library, a lost book, a scream, and a lie. CHECK
Lorn writes Porn with a devilish twist in an abandoned theme park. Half-CHECK
Robot cult. Because the book I read that had it had all this hardcore Christianity in it so I couldn’t get past that part, and I still want to see what a robot cult looks like. CHECK
Someone in the book has amnesia… CHECK
An ape carcass falls from the sky and through the roof of a suburban home. CHECK
Gregor’s first time, when baah-ad things happen to good animals. CHECK
My suggestion is Corn porn! CHECK